THE LIFERS

What if I told you 
I was wounded from the start – 
half apart
So I tucked it away, 
let it all get hard

Became devoted 
to mending things with holes 
I could hold
Felt good to
stretch my hands thin, 
pull threads back in

I don’t want to hurt you
I don’t want to make you sad
I’m just dealing with some tough shit
I don’t want to blame myself for
So don’t touch me
Don’t touch me
I’m working on it

Now there’s a stone
that I’ve stitched into my bones – 
keeps me cold
Sinks into 
the part of me that hates myself 
for thinking it’s my fault – 
and puts a halt
to all the sweetest mornings 
that we could behold – 
and now I’m told
it’s alright 
but you drop your gaze and sigh

I don’t want to hurt you
I don’t want to make you sad
I’m just dealing with some tough shit
I don’t want to blame myself for
So don’t touch me
Don’t touch me

It’s not your fault
It’s not your doing
Just blame it on those fucking men
who went ahead and fucked with my head
I wish that I could hurt them back
Give them all that I have had -
and not just me, my sisters too,
our mothers, and their mothers
Just because we’ve got some place 
to hold things doesn’t mean we want anything
So take your shit back
take all of your shit back
generations of your shit back
all these bags of shit back
we’re calling Marie Kondo, boys,
to hell this brings us any joy

All I want is

Gentle patient kindness
Simple ancient kindness

The day I met you down the hallway, 
learning of the time when 
the continents parted 
Was when I learned you looked at whales,
holding your mother’s arm
and Atlantic guardian forces
forced me to yours

And when we sang I searched for words – 
harmony is fleeting
like my first time 
with the bleeding moon,
left the room

Tell me what if I choked,
oh what if I choked?
Tell me what if I spoke,
oh what if I spoke?

And I haven’t written you a song
since that little one that told you
to break my heart
if it gives us a start

Now I’ve planted me a garden of 
ways you can adore me
and I’ve wrapped myself in patchwork
blankets of power
and lift myself up to the sky
that little moon 
and I  

Look me right in the eye,
tell me why couldn’t I   

Love myself enough 
to know I could be 
loved

I’m not even playing 
guitar chords,just laying 
my hands on the strings 
‘til sounds match up with my feelings

I’m not even trying 
to make you start crying
about all the things 
that I can’t do while I’m lying

Alone on the bed 
with my fully drenched head
and it’s all I can do 
to just stand up and face it

I’m not even sure what this 
“it” really is
but it floods in too often 
to dry up between them

I’m not even saying 
I can’t stand the waiting
it’s just that I know 
I will be happier someday

I’m not even feeling 
just un-and-re-weaving
this hole that I bear 
which is still raw from all the teasing 

I’m not even hearing 
you trying to ease me -
it’s not as simple as 
keep steady breathing

I’m not even sure what this 
“it” really is
But it floods in too often 
to dry up between them

So I’m not even asking, 
I just need to bask in
this one little ray of 
sunlight that’s coming in
 

I’ve been thinking lately that I’m not
formed into the shape I really ought
to beat unimaginable odds
so I’ll just sit alone here with my thoughts

I’ve been thinking lately that I should
move into a house tucked in the woods
wade into a bath of all that’s good
do all of the things I said I would

Maybe I could raise a herd of sheep
spend all my days spinning all their fleece
make my bread by grinding my own wheat
oh, have you ever heard a thing so sweet?
 

I told you not to cry, I told you not to speak a word – but have you heard?
That boy is going to dive towards you but be assured, it ends and it dies

I didn’t mean to give my love to one who didn’t want me

I’ve taken up a gamble by just holding your hand; you took all of your chances when you pulled me in
Bending my soul away I stumbled up the stairs in spins

I didn’t mean to take her lover, but her lover, he took me

While all my friends were there, I called you with a drunken invitation just to play a couple songs that we both like
You came and locked your arm in mine and it’s almost like you covered up my eyes
Keep stumbling up the stairs, you pull me by the waist, and you take me down the hall and I’m oblivious to it all

I didn’t mean to give my love away, but he took it out from me
 

In my parents’ bed,
the clouds in my head -
What happened next? 
What happened next?
He took it off,
or did I take it off?
I don’t want to know.
What do I want to know?
And he laid his head
where I laid my head
‘til morning came,
and when morning came
I felt the ghost 
and it swallowed me whole
and on it goes
and on it goes

Now I’m trying to give you loving but it’s harder than it seems    

‘Cause once it’s took, oh once it’s took,
it’s hard to give, it’s hard to give
I know I should, I know I should, 
But it’s all relived.
 

Small post-communion 
gathering in the garden
Skip down the road 
and a bomb goes off 
and I’m so scared I run
but you’re so scared you stay  
where you are.

Mom and dad died, 
say goodbye to my brothers 
and sisters,
we’re all handed out
Then you tell me that it’s 
God who can save us -
odd that he’s hurt us
When will he hear me just

pray someone will be my witness
so I can give them a turn to hold this

Stroll after church on a 
Sunday, talk about 
how we can stay who we are
‘round comes a car and it 
pins you to the wall

and I’m left with a God 
who’s abandoned me again, 
me again
Oh why are we taught to put 
all of our trust in men

Pray someone will be my witness
so I can give them a turn to hold this

I’m taught to be gentle 
and act like an angel
and pray to a man that 
took away my family 
No wonder I’m temptless 
and endlessly understanding
and I want nothing for it
oh and I want nothing

I’m overcome 
with an adoration of this constellation of my family lines
I stay up at night 
and bless every one of them

Backstage after the festival 
you broke the whole thing off
in a fit of ecstatic truth
and I fear I caused the worst in you again 

and I said you’d all be 
better off if I left

It was a wanting-hoping for
the easy slide into harmony 
trusting what you thought you wanted
and now we are in pain

You’re saying you didn’t mean it
I’m still waiting to believe it
Every time we try to do this
it just blows up in our faces 

Why don’t you see that I become
the worst version of myself
whenever I try doing something
that makes me leave the house
It happened when I was eleven
and it’s still happening
when I’m twenty-seven

and I’m sorry 

and I’m trying 
to understand you -

only half-healed and half open 
to try all this again
I want to be your friend

It’s all inside my head 
Keeps taking over it
It’s not about your love
I push but then it shoves

Just know I understand
if you can’t keep waiting,
I’m still healing over here